So, I’m an only child. I’ve always loved being an only child, but I also have struggled with not having a strong family unit. My mother got married in November and although she’s been dating this guy for over a year and a half, I had never met any of his 5 kids. I finally met them just before Christmas and I (surprisingly) LOVED them. I have a step-brother who I’m already planning on visiting in Ohio in two weeks. We’re planning family outings to Indiana Pacers games and Indianapolis Ice games. They’ve all added me on FB (and they aren’t all even friends with each other). They are just such sweethearts and I love the thought of having siblings that I can hang out with all the time. It’s just so different to me. Anyway, I’m extremely glad that I decided to meet them and I only regret not meeting them sooner. That’s one thing that I’ve learned very recently. I always said I would never regret anything that I do, and I honestly believe that. However, I have recently realized that I regret lots of the things that I DON’T/DIDN’T do. I’m going to keep that in mind when I decide what things I want to bail on in the future.
So…my mom came here today. She’s quite intense usually and we fight a lot. Today there wasn’t much fighting, but she definitely has me stressed out and this is not the first time she’s done this with this specific topic.
She’s been pressuring me to have a kid.
She’s worried that I’m never going to get married or have a baby and she keeps pressuring me. Honestly, I think she’d rather that I have one with a random dude and be a single mother than wait to see if I can find a man that is deserving of having a baby with. She’s been pressuring me for a while and I can’t lie…it’s definitely been factored into my love life. The WC and I don’t use condoms…ever…and although he has never actually gotten off in me, I’ve never told him no if he suggested it. I used to take Plan B if we had sex when I could possibly be ovulating (I track it using an app on my iPhone called iPeriod), but now I just don’t. I mean…he’s already got 3 kids that he’s an amazing father to, so what the hell, right? NO!!! What the fuck is wrong with me!? She’s gotten in my head and I don’t know how to fix it because there’s so much pressure for me to have a kid and it’s not like I don’t want to…I do. I want kids eventually, but I don’t think I have what it takes to do all the meeting, dating, relationship, serious relationship, engagement, marriage, kids business. That’s a lot of fucking work for something that I don’t think would ever work out anyway just so that I could have a kid.
Ugh…she pisses me off. It’ll happen when it happens…and when it does, it’ll be on my terms and it’ll be my blessing. I need to choose to have kids for me…not for her.
I fucked the WC this morning (it was AMAZING, thank you for asking) ;). Lent is a giant fail. However, don’t Catholics get to cheat on Sundays?? lol It is Sunday after all. :D Oh well, I’m still going to try to finish my lent plans…although, I’m not sure I won’t fail again.
What is it about sex? And, specifically, sex with him that makes me completely lose my willpower?? (And my mind)
So, I haven’t posted in a while because I can’t figure out if I’m coming or going with this Lent business. For about a week, I felt amazing. I was getting my old self back, turning guys down left and right…owning them because they wanted me and they couldn’t have me (I wish I was exaggerating, but the more I seem to be holding out on them, the more they text me). And this made me feel great about everything because they were still wanting me, I was still staying true to the promise I made to myself and I felt strongly desired. Then they stopped trying. This has just happened. So, now I’m not feeling wanted or desired and it’s very disappointing because if they don’t want me anymore then no one does. So, now I’m practically begging them to want me, but not following through with any (rephrase: much) of my suggestions for sex. So far I’ve only slightly given in. I went and saw the WC last night. We fooled around, no biggie. But I’ve still stayed true to not having sex…which wasn’t exactly easy, but oh well.
I know that the whole point of this thing was to re-evaluate and realize that I’m worth more than just casual sexual encounters, but without the casual sexual encounters to make me feel like someone gives a damn about me, I don’t feel like anyone gives a damn. That’s pathetic, but true. I get a sense of importance and companionship and intimacy from my fuck buddies. :(
Last night as I was driving to meet the WC, I thought to myself “well, I’m about to be back on the wagon.” Now, I had to think this metaphor through once I actually thought it. When an alcoholic is in recovery and he “falls off the wagon,” this means he faltered and drank. However, I see my sex addiction issue in the complete opposite fashion. For me to be off the wagon, it means I have faltered and I’m not having sex. How fucked up is that!? I mean, I think sex and alcohol are equally addictive, but my life is normalized when I’m fucking constantly. I’m honestly at my best. I’m happier, healthier, more energetic…but sometimes my mental health and confusion about feelings can suffer. I know that sex and alcohol could both end up killing you, but even I could give up my alcohol addiction a lot easier than I can give up my sex addiction…and I drink A LOT of alcohol.
Speaking of feelings. I know I’ve made it clear that I, unfortunately, have feelings for the WC, but I’ve been trying to hide them. Last night after we messed around, I was so over hiding it from him. You know that post-coital rush of feelings and intimacy you feel…well, I totally had that. I left right after, but I still felt it and he did too…here’s a super dumbed down version of our txt conversation after I left last night:
WC: Damn, that shit was fantastic. “You fucked me up in all the right ways”
Me: I fucking care about you…why don’t you understand that yet!?
WC: Thank you, you make me feel special…important, worth it…thank you.
Me: You’re welcome. Stop running from my feelings for you then. If I didn’t have feelings for you, I wouldn’t make sure the sexual experience was that good cuz I wouldn’t give a shit.
WC: “I have feelings for you too” but I’ve gone through a lot and feelings scare the shit out of me.
Me: I’m not asking for your hand in marriage…I’m asking you to hang out with me more.
And this is just our text conversation…when I was still there, he was saying things like “Damn, no girl does/has ever done/or will ever do the things that you do to my body. There is NO ONE like you out there and no one understands my body and sex like you do.”
Now, one of my biggest issues as a woman is that I over-analyze everything. But all I see here is his response of “I have feelings for you too” and as much as that should excite me (and it slightly does) it also pisses me off because it’s not fucking true. It can’t be. If it was, he would be falling all over himself to be with me. He wouldn’t be out fucking every stupid bitch he sees. In fact, if it’s true that no one has ever understood his body the way that I do…he wouldn’t sleep with anyone else ever, right? What the fuck.
Anyway, sorry this was so long…it’s been a minute since I wrote it all down.
Hold out your heart and on it let the sun shine down
Open your mind and through it let the wisdom pour
Give me your word and I will give you all my trust
Give me a sign and I will give you all my love (hold out your heart)
All my love
There’s dirt in my mouth from kissing who I should not dare
There’s mud coming out with every rip and every tear
This thing beneath my ribs will beat me to the ground
I’ve got to hold out my heart, on it let the sun shine down (got to hold out my heart)
The sun shine down
My guilty skin like gasoline is burning out a hole in me
My guilty heart lies here in ruin, in ruin
Nobody knows me, no one will ever see
The distance between what is and what will never be
A bird will break his wings
Like a heart will cut her strings
And there isn’t anything to comfort me
My guilty skin like gasoline is burning out a hole in me
My guilty heart lies here in ruin, in ruin
A bird will break his wings
Like a heart will cut her strings
And there isn’t anything to comfort me (hold out your heart)
Gasoline
Gasoline
I know you were all worried that I was bailing on my musical reference of the day that shows how I’m feeling…the worry was unnecessary, lol. Listen to this clip and I hope you realize that you are beautiful…I may have to listen a few times.
Everyone Is Beautiful
I realized the other day that I don’t think there is a single ugly person in this world. I think everyone is so beautiful. Then I realized that if there are no ugly people in this world, that means I must be beautiful. It’s an amazing feeling.
I like that frame of mind. We’re all beautiful! Thanks for calling.
I had dinner with a good male friend this evening (yes, he’s just a friend believe it or not) and I he totally called me out on something that I guess I didn’t realize that I do. He has a very recent new girlfriend and he is afraid to introduce her to me because he says that I will not be accepting and he fears that I will judge her. I tried to explain that it is human nature to judge other people, but just because I judge her doesn’t mean I won’t be nice, nor does it mean I won’t accept her. Then he broke it down a little farther for me. He said that he knows I’m going to judge her and that I won’t be accepting because I will never agree that she is good enough for him. Now, that statement in and of itself is probably true. I don’t know that I’ve ever thought another person was good enough for one of my friends…even the married ones. However, he followed that up with “you have this misconception that I deserve someone better than what you deserve.” This was an easy answer for me…of course I think that, cuz it’s true. I think my friends deserve all the best in the world and they (of course) think that I deserve all the best in the world, but I definitely do not believe that I deserve all the best. I don’t think I deserve someone good at all.
I’ve tried to determine exactly when or why this thought started spreading in me like a cancer, but I can’t pinpoint an exact time or event. I know that I grew up thinking that I was talented and cool, and I still think I’m talented and cool…just not deserving of someone who will treat me like a princess. Maybe it’s because I had a super-feminist phase and I thought the whole “princess” or “damsel in distress” idea was severely outdated. Maybe it’s because even thought I know how talented I am, I also know every single one of my flaws and mistakes and I can’t forgive myself for all the mistakes that I made. Obviously, if I’m incapable of forgiving myself then no one else is going to be able to forgive me if they know the whole truth, right? Clearly this is a frustrating and confusing concept for me. Maybe it’s time I try to reevaluate this terrible concept too. Sooooo much to think about :(
This has been a hell of a long day. Up at 5:30 and didn’t get home till after 7:30. I really just wanna go to bed, but I just ate so I need to wait a few hours :(
I thought that today would be the hardest day in not talking to the WC, but today hasn’t been a challenge at all. I got some news last night that he tried to hit on one of my best friend’s little sister via Facebook…that shows just how much of a tool he really is and it makes it a little easier for me to let go.
I also haven’t been craving sex or intimacy at all today. Maybe I’ve just been too busy.
I was thinking yesterday about love and the importance of love. I think it’s strange how we are all desperate to be loved and some people are even desperate to love others, but when it comes right down to it, if you go to fast or you love too much people run away. That doesn’t make any sense…running away from the one thing we all want so desperately. I don’t think I’ve ever met a single person that said they didn’t want to feel loved. So why do we run from the one thing we want? Why can’t we just accept that someone could actually love us? How many less days would we spend upset if we just let people love us? I know for sure that I’m guilty of this as well. I sometimes push away the people that love me the most, only to spend time thinking about how disappointing it is that no one seems to care. Am I the only one?
Here’s a song to accompany my thoughts of the day:
I wonder if you think of me
Somewhere in the shadows of your mind, ooh
Although our love could never be
I found I think about you all the time, ooh baby
Am I in your fantasies
The way you always wander into mine, oo
Are you longing endlessly
Just like me deep inside, ooh baby baby
Chorus:
When the nights are dark and cold
Do you think of me? Do you think of me?
And when you’re lying all alone
Do you think of me? Do you think of me?
When you feel the touch of another love
Do you think of me? Do you think of me?
Am I the one you’re dreaming of?
Do you think of me? Do you think of me?
I picture you embracing me
We drift away and leave the world behind, baby
But it’s only make-believe
Love can be so unkind, ooh baby baby
I read this and I had to reblog it…I have so lived this life (for way too long).
if you think that he’s faithful to you. Because while you’re out with all your girlfriends telling them, “I have the best boyfriend ever,” he’s in my bed making me scream.
But secrets can’t stay hidden away forever, and soon you’ll be asking me “Don’t you feel bad?” You’ll swear it’s my cold heart that makes me do these things.
You’re wrong though. It’s my broken heart.
